Siegfried: Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Wotan: Martin Denny
Loge: Les Baxter
Fricka: Yma Sumac
Froh: Jean Jacques Perrey
Freia: Julie London
Donner: Tom Jones
Erda: Camille Paglia
Brunnhilde: Mama Cass Elliot
King of the Mau Mau: Little Richard
Hagen: Sir Paul McCartney
Gunther: Todd Rundgren
Gutrun: Karen Carpenter
Mime: Esquivel
Albericht: Serge Gainsbourg
The Valkyries: Madonna, Britney Spears, LeAnn Rimes, Ashley Judd, Li'l Kim, Christina Aguilera, Salt 'N' Pepa
The Norns: Marianne Faithful, Anita Pallenberg, Jerry Hall
The Merseymaidens: Lulu, Dusty Springfield, Petula Clark

Synopsis

Prologue

Scene: Night on the Valkyrie's concert stage

The three Norns are weaving the Rope of Destiny and reflecting on the past, present,and future of popular music. The first Norn thinks on the earliest times when Wotan drank at the spring of melody and fashioned his spear from a branch of the Mango Tree, the tree to which the Norns' rope was tied. That tree has now died, so they tie the rope to an ordinary pine tree instead. The second Norn secures the other end of the rope to a rock and tells how Wotan's spear was shattered and that now he has ordered that the branches of the Mango Tree be piled around the Quiet Village as a funeral pyre. The third Norn tells how Loge's fire will one day consume the Quiet Village and the gods who live within it; Wotan, Fricka, Froh, Donner, and Freia. They examine the rope but cannot tell more as it has frayed and tangled. They sink into the earth back to Erda their mother. As they disappear from sight into the Chthonic Ooze, the only sound that can be heard is the ferocious clacking of their Vagina Dentata.

Day breaks and Siegfried and Brunnhilde emerge from their cave. They exchange gifts. He gives her the pair of magic zebraskin shoes that enable their wearer to top the Billboard charts forever, and she gives him a bite of her magic ham sandwich that makes the one who consumes it immortal. Siegfried sets off on a journey down the Mersey River.

Act 1

Gunther and Gutrune sit with their half brother Hagen in the ancestral home of the Mau Mau, Ratskeller Hall on the banks of the Mersey. Gunther says he is concerned that the name of their family is waning. Hagen suggests that their fame and honor might be preserved if Gunther were to marry Brunnhilde the Valkyrie who sleeps on the Valkyrie's stage in a bathtub filled with chocolate pudding. Hagen goes on to suggest that Gutrune could marry Siegfried who now possesses Albericht and Mime's hoard of hard-carton mentholated Kools, thereby gaining both a hero and a treasure. In addition, Siegfried is the only hero strong enough to breach the fire that surrounds the Quiet Village. As they sit planning, Siegfried comes into view on his raft, they hail him and make him welcome, Gutrune offers him a drink of Alligator Wine which Hagen has drugged; the effect of the drink causes Siegfried to forget Brunnhilde and fall in love with Gutrune. Gunther and Siegfried pledge blood brotherhood by pricking their thumbs, showing each other their weiners, and drinking a half-can of warm Löwenbräu that Gunther found at the local kegeling alley. Gunther then outlines his plan to capture Brunnhilde by luring her out of the bathtub while posing naked covered with Leberkäse. Siegfried promises to help in this venture. Gunther and Siegfried sail of in search of Brunnhilde. Hagen reveals that he is not the true son of the King of the Mau Mau, but is in fact the son of Albericht. He further declares that his only intention is to regain the magic pair of zebraskin shoes so that he can rule the world of music for all eternity.

On the stage, Brunnhilde is visited by her sister Valkyries who tell her the sad tale of how the gods are all huddled together in the Quiet Village waiting for their end. They ask Brunnhilde to give the magic shoes back to the Merseymaidens, but she refuses to do so saying that it is Siegfried's love token and she will not part with it. The sisters leave in despair.

Siegfried's horn is heard and Brunnhilde prepares to greet her returning lover, only Siegfried has used his magic skull on a stick "Henry" to make himself appear in the guise of Gunther. He tells her that he claims her as his bride, grabs the shoes from off her feet, and orders her into the bathtub. He then swears an oath that his "Little Demon" will lie forever between him and the bride of his blood brother.

Act 2

It is night. Hagen is asleep outside the Ratskeller Hall. Albericht appears to him in a dream, smoking Gitanes, and butt-naked except for a little black beret; he reminds Hagen to only write silly love songs full of sexual innuendo and to work tirelessly to regain the shoes. Albericht eventually runs out of Gitanes and disappears as the frogs along the banks of the river begin croaking at dawn. Shortly afterwards Siegfried appears; he has used Henry to travel from the Valkyrie stage magically. He tells Hagen and Gutrune how early that morning he brought Brunnhilde to the river where Gunther was waiting on his raft and then managed to slip away and leave Brunnhilde with the real Gunther. Hagen calls his vassals together and tells them to prepare for the double wedding feast of the Mau Mau by cutting the fat off the back of a baboon, boiling it down with a spoon, and scooping out the eye of a fly flying backwards. He also tells them to came armed for battle and that it may be necessary to defend Gunther's wife.

Gunther's raft arrives and the men greet Gunther and Brunnhilde. When Brunnhilde sees that Siegfried is betrothed to Gutrune and is wearing the shoes which were taken from her the previous night, she realizes how she has been tricked and accuses Siegfried of treachery both to herself and to his blood brother Gunther. Siegfried is till under the influence of Gutrune's drug and so he remembers nothing of meeting Brunnhilde previously. To avoid compromising Gunther,he denies his part in winning his bride for him and swears his innocence on the point of Hagen's spear. Brunnhilde redoubles her accusations and dedicates Hagen's spear as the destroyer of the deceiver. Siegfried calms the onlookers with great difficulty and invites them all to join in the feast of the Mau Mau. Hagen, Gunther, and Brunnhilde stay behind. Hagen persuades the now humiliated Gunther that Siegfried must die and and hints as to how much power the shoes will bring Gunther. Brunnhilde agrees with the plan and also tells Hagen to strike at Siegfried's exposed ass, as that is the only part of his body that is vulnerable. To spare Gutrune's feelings they will make the death look like a hunting accident.

Act 3

The next morning a hunting party has been assembled. During the hunt, Siegfried gets separated from the party and meets the Merseymaidens while wandering along the banks of the river. They beg him for the shoes; at first he agrees to give them to the maidens, but when they tell him of the shoes' curse and predict his death that very day, he changes his mind. The maidens leave and go to find Brunnhilde who they say will inherit the treasure of Kools. Gunther, Hagen and Siegfried eventually meet up again and Hagen prompts Siegfried to recount his many deeds to cheer up Gunther who appears downcast. Siegfried tells of his childhood with Mime; how he and Mime would stroll along the beach checking out the mucha muchachas and singing, "Zu-zu-zu Zuzu-Zuzu-Zuzuzu...Zuzu zu, Zuzu, Zuzu...SPROING!", and how Brunnhilde put the Wamee on him by Casting a Spell that drove him into a Frenzy. At this point Hagen gives him a drink with a herb in to restore his memory. Siegfried then goes on to tell how he jumped into Brunnhilde's bathtub and eat all of the chocolate pudding, which cured his Constipation Blues and allowed him to win her for his wife.

Gunther is alarmed at Siegfried's shameless appropriation of his own song titles to move the narrative along, and Hagen thrusts his spear into Siegfried's ass while he isn't looking. The dying Siegfried takes leave of Brunnhilde. The vassals place his body on his shield and carry it back to Ratskeller Hall.

Gutrune is awaiting Siegfried's return; when she sees that he is dead she accuses her brothers of his murder, kneels by her dead lover and sings, "We'd Only Just Begun" before running off into the woods to commit suicide through self-induced vomiting. Hagen proudly defends his part in the deed and claims the magic shoes for himself. Gunther contests the claim, they fight, and Hagen kills Gunther. Hagen is about to take the shoes when Siegfried's dead feet rise in a threatening gesture. Hagen falls back horrified.

Brunnhilde appears, she has learnt the whole story from the Merseymaidens. She commands the men to build a huge funeral pyre for Siegfried. She takes the shoes which she will return to the maidens after the fire has removed their curse. She calls to the pink flamingos, Wotan's messengers, and bids them take a message that the event he has been waiting for is about to take place, and on the way they are to go by the Valkyrie stage and tell Loge, who is there nursing a chapped ass, to go to the Quiet Village and meet his destiny. She then lights Siegfried's pyre, and when it is fully ablaze she stuffs the rest of the ham sandwich into her mouth and jumps into the Mersey which causes the river to overflow its banks. The flood douses the pyre and allows the maidens to snatch away the magic shoes. Hagen makes a desperate attempt to wrest the shoes from the maidens, but they grab him and drown him.

The Norns, dressed in miniskirts and neon go-go boots, frug lasciviously in front of giant lava lamps on the Valkyrie stage while the Quiet Village bursts into flames and consumes the Tiki Gods. The Valkyries drive Hagen's soldiers off into the stars on go-karts while Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass play "Casino Royale". Brunnhilde, Siegfried, Hagen, Gunther, and Gutrune appear in the glowing red sky smoking Kools and singing "I Got You, Babe". Finally, the river recedes, leaving the earth cleansed and ready to start anew.

As the curtain falls, the Three Norns can be seen watching an N'Sync video while weaving an all-new Rope of Destiny which, not surprisingly, looks an awful lot like the old Rope of Destiny.

Finis

©2000