This unintentionally hilarious article from San Joaquin Magazine tells you how to throw what may just be the lamest luau in the history of luaus. Recommended couture includes black cocktail dresses with pumps for the ladies, and "no loud Hawaiian shirts" for the guys. And as if that weren't clueless enough, the "must-have" music list recommends Vampyros Lesbos Sexadelic Dance Party?!

Don the Beachcomber is spinning in his grave.

[Link: Sizzlin' Summer Luau][via Tiki Central]